Change your story, change your life

It's never too late to change your story

I've been thinking a lot about narrative and about the stories we tell ourselves. This is, in part, because I am a writer and have recently decided to switch from fiction to non-fiction. But, mainly, it's because I did not like the story I was telling myself about my life.

Here is the thing: I have had a lot of crappy things happen to me: miscarriage, infertility, postpartum depression, divorce, and an episode of dating abuse that left me with significant trauma. So when I moved to town and met the Mr., I was really looking forward to leaving it all behind. But here is the thing about partnering with a widower that very few people will tell you: some people are not very nice as a result.

Since we got together, I've been shoved, had mean comments written on my blog, and been confronted at a party with someone wearing my husband's deceased wife's clothing to make some sort of point. I was taken out to lunch by a woman who brought along another woman who had never quite comes to grips with my husband's wife's death. The woman who organized the lunch kept buying her more and more beer until she was asking me about ghostly apparitions in my garden. I get it: they miss her. That's their story, I suppose. For me, it knocked me back into a story from my childhood where I'd experienced pretty serious bullying by my peers. It allowed the greek chorus of She'll Never Measure Up to get under my skin even though I knew that those espousing this view had met me only once, if at all.

I started to get ground down by their comments that I was "the other woman" and that the news of our engagement must have "devastated" my partner's kids. I started to slip into victim mode, which is easy when you've been a victim in the past. I was starting to believe the narrative that life was hard, I'd never have it good, and that this was my cross to bear. Not only was I telling myself this story, but I spent a year writing a novel trying to make sense of it all, which only gave this story more power.

And then we went to Cuba. With the warm waters and the freedom of anonymity, I relaxed. In spite of the fact that we were getting torrential rainstorms, I felt happy -- something I'd not felt in a long time. The Mr. and I decided that having a spot to get away to, ideally near the ocean, was something we both needed.

On a weekend trip to Halifax, we saw a property right on the ocean that looked like a lovely retreat. We decided to buy it as we'd recently sold down our properties when we combined homes, and it was being sold for about a quarter of the price of summer homes near us.

And in that moment, my narrative switched. Instead of Surviving Suburbia, I'd been Saved by Saltwater: two names I've used for this blog.

That little mind switch made a huge difference to my way of thinking. Last weekend, when I went north to a yoga retreat, I had a different mindset. I no longer shied away from being me: trying to hide my light under a bushel so I could avoid being criticized for not being someone else. I felt freer and more open. I was the slightly zany girl with the hyper-mobile elbows who had several baths and squirrelled herself away to write. And you know what? I was not hated - even when I had to ask every single person to move her car so I could exit the driveway in the morning.

I realized that what helpful people had told me about the unsupportive people was true: it was really about them, not me. I'd watered myself down to be this benign, faded, quiet version of myself lest I risk offending, and still they were unaccepting. In that moment, I decided to rewrite my narrative. I decided that I'd never again not be myself.

And so I spent the weekend journaling and figuring out who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. The universe is very good at providing you lots of wonderful opportunities to be yourself once you decide who you are. Where I'd had writers block, the ideas were suddenly flowing. Where my connections had been stalled, they flourished once again. Since returning from the retreat with my brand-new story, I've had two successful pieces of writing and a couple of enriching social engagements. I'm in the state that Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls Flow.

And here is my point: no matter what life has thrown at you, you can reframe your narrative and change the way you live. Story is really that powerful. What is your story? Are you the hero? Or the villain? The martyr? Or the victim? Is your story a tragedy or a comedy?

This year, I urge you to make your story a great adventure. Start to write an ending so happy that Hallmark will knock at your door. And please, above all else, make yourself the hero. Heaven knows, the world needs more of those.




16 comments:

  1. Dear Jen, when you got engaged and started telling us about your wedding plans, I thought the whole thing was wonderfully romantic. It's so sad to find out that, behind the scenes, there was some pretty terrible stuff going on. (I don't think I'm being dramatic - those women are just plain mean.) I'm happy for you that you have figured out a way to take back your story, and that you're sharing it with us. That's some useful advice!

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    1. Thank you, Patricia. It has been hard. There is lots of potential for great joy, however, and that's what I need to focus on going forward. I appreciate your support. xo

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  2. I agree with Patricia, except I might use harsher words. To have that much sorrow over the loss of their friend that it has turned almost into such anger and hate is really quite sad. It really is all about them. Remember that everytime and say a prayer for them...what a miserable life that must be. You, however, enjoy all the warmth, love, and joy that is justly deserved. Much love.

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    1. Thank you , Teresa. Apparently it's common. I know another Wife of Widower and she's experienced similar things. I just don't know why people are in each other's business. They must be very blessed to have so few problems of their own... Thank you for the ongoing support and hope all is well. Xo

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  3. Jen I am so glad we met! You are a marvelous inspiration. ..the honesty in your writing is as extraordinary as the wisdom you share. Thank you for being YOU. Xo

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    1. I am so glad we met too. You have amazing energy. We need a coffee when you are around. xo

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  4. Love you and your all of your stories xx

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    1. Love you too. I can see from your friendships how much joy you bring to others. Plus, you've made me as bendy as is possible. Namaste! xo

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  5. So beautifully written (as usual). I'm glad you found your happy place and your happy ever after. Wishing you continued flow 💜

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    1. Thanks Patricia. We need to catch up: it's been too long! xo

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  6. Oh Jenn...I had no idea. We have been so happy that you and Bill found each other when you did, and all the ensuing romance and fun. We should all be grateful for second chances, especially when they bring so much joy to so many people. I am sorry people couldn't be kind, but I am glad to have met you and I am glad that you took the chance with Bill. He sure is a keeper :)

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    1. Aww thank you. You and the hockey people have been great. And yes, he is a keeper. xo

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  7. Dear Jen,
    I had no idea how bad it was. You'd hinted at problems but kept them pretty private. I'm appalled at what the deceased wife's friends did! That's cruelty plain and simple. That's where I count on karma to be watching and no one escapes their karmic debt. I love your new attitude. Simply adore it. I could use a rewrite in plenty of parts of my story. What better time than now?
    You're an inspiration and a trouper. Bravo.
    Much admiration and love
    Jennifer

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    1. Thank you, Jennifer. I've spent the last 4 years trying to figure out their mindset and am at a loss. I'm trying to assume ignorance instead of malice, but who knows. I do believe in karma, though, which has allowed me to wash my hands of it at last.

      I believe so strongly in writing our own happy endings. And that's what I intend to do from this day forward. I wish that for you as well! Thank you, as always for the continued support. xo

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  8. I missed this post last week, we were away twice, up north and then a city trip. But you have made my morning because this is so well-written and it fills me with happiness. Knowing you personally as such a vibrant, intelligent and intuitive person I cannot tell you how much joy it gives me to see you leave the negativity and mean spirits in the dust (where they belong). As CS Lewis once wrote "we are who we believe we are" or as my Mr often says "we make it all up".
    Sending love! xx

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    1. I do believe we are who we believe we are. Cutting out the negative chatter (and people!) has been very good for me. xoxo

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